I finally got it all together. Now I can't remember where I put it.
At age 90, John has played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs John. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect." So the next day, John heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks John.
"I can't remember."
Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"
The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."
The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."
The third old guy said, "I had 7 riders, the same as last time."
The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today."
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"
The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."
Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years. Its pont was suitable for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening, the old farmer headed to the farm with a 5-gallon bucket to pick some fruit. As he neared the pond, he overheard cheerful giggling. It was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made them aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron Frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked. Holding up his bucket, Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds Her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in My hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,
"How soon do you need to Know?"
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
By way of a former co-worker.
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr.Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr.Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aargh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back! That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the 55,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for 45,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go," she said "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb. potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you will find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of days, move up to 10-lb. bags. Then try 50-lb. bags and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I am at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally Retirees behavior that was going on. So He called His angels and Sent one to earth for a time.
When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% of retirees Are misbehaving and only 5% are not.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second Angel to get another opinion.' So God called another angel And sent her to earth for a time. When the angel returned, She went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true The earth is in decline; 95% of retirees are misbehaving, But 5% are being good...' God was not pleased ....!
So He decided to e-mail the 5% Who were good, because he wanted To encourage them, and give them A little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, Because I didn't get one either.
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence and distance.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Fred, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Fred, (and several others), 'that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing'!
Fred, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing. Later that evening, Fred quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... and left it there all night.
From Civilization Evolving Through Humor via Arlene Manduca
Walking home at night I was passing a cemetery. Three girls came up to me saying they were scared to walk past it. I said they could walk with me. We started and I commented, "I understand. I used to get freaked out when I was alive.” Never seen people run so fast. :)
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."
"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"
"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the bar and drinking beer isn't a good thing?", I asked. (Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation lately.)
She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys down there. So, I did and when I got back home, decided to play a prank on her that I learned about from those guys at the Senior Center. So I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're way too old now. You're not going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I sensed that she didn't believe me, so I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!"
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
During lunch at the food court, my dad (age 92) kept staring at a teen with multicolor spiked hair. Finally the teen asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, he replied in classic style. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
After Christmas vacation, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Stay Young Bay in Florida where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!
They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks; they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this afternoon in Deer Park and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. She then had to go back around to the end of the line and start all over. Don't honk your horn at old people.
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............ "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden; but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa
A few days later he received this letter from his son:
Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie
At 6 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Vinnie
Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Fred didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Fred didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Fred approached the park and lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?' Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.' ‘Jail!' cried Fred. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?' 'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her. What about her? 'Well, the little gold-digging b#*^h figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'