Frank photo


Best One-liners

From tickld

  1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.
  2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
  3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.
  4. I, for one, like Roman numerals.
  5. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
  6. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.
  7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
  8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.
  9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
  10. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.
  11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
  12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
  13. My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
  14. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.
  15. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."
  16. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
  17. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.
  18. People say I'm condescending. That means i talk down to people.
  19. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
  20. Whiteboards are remarkable.
  21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Others from various sources

  1. My twin called me from prison and said, "Do you remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"
  2. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
  3. I'm bored. I think I'll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, and sit in my car with the backup lights on.
  4. If you answer the phone with "Hello, you're on the air!" most telemarketers will quickly hang up.
  5. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
  6. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
  7. Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself." Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."
  8. Cop: "Please step out of the car." Me: "I'm too drunk, you get in."
  9. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
  10. If you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
  11. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and ask, "Did you bring the money?"
  12. Sixty might be the new forty, but 9pm is the new midnight.
  13. I finally got 8 hours sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
  14. I run like the winded.
  15. I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
  16. I don't remember much from last night, but the fact that I need sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
  17. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
  18. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
  19. Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call these people cops.