My wife asks me to remind her of stuff. That way, if she forgets something, it's my fault.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.
A husband and wife went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade, listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on - neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.
The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days, I play golf."
By way of Paul Yin
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While enroute home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited the money."
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do"?
The cabby replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."
I've heard it said that no woman ever shot her husband while he was washing the dishes. But now another story.
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet," the circus couple explained.
The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long the kid fits in the cannon."
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.
She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific! Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?" "Oh”, she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."
An Airline introduced a special package for Business men. Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free. After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip. All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"
A woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room. She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number: "Hello Darling."
The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.”
“Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement"
A husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture. All the knives were missing the target! Suddenly, he received a call from her, "Hi, what are you doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."
A lady to doctor: “My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?”
Dr: “Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.”
Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife. Natural disasters just happen.
Doctor: “Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.” Wife: “Doc, when should I give them to him?” Doctor: “They are for you!”
A group of 12 women was at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hand. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband "I love you, sweetheart." Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are 12 actual replies from their husbands. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting files," he replied.
"Oh, killed any?" she said.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females."
"How can you tell them apart?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
A woman goes to a counselor, worried about her husband’s temper. The counselor asks, "What's the problem?"
The woman says, "I don't know what to do. Every day my husband loses his temper for no reason. It scares me." The Counselor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, take a double shot of Jack Daniel's bourbon and swish it in your mouth. Swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later, she goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn. She tells the counselor, "That was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband started to get angry, I swished the Jack Daniels and he would start to calm down. It was amazing! What is it about Jack Daniels that makes it work like that?
The counselor said, "The Jack Daniel's does nothing. Keeping your mouth shut is the trick."
Son:'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap.'
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied,'That was for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in your trouser pocket."
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Betty was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied, 'Your horse phoned!'
I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with. She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens.
A couple was invited to a swanky masked party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much?"
"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' 'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
'A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'.
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.'
After 10 years, a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange. A DNA test showed the child was not theirs. The husband explained, "You don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped. You told me to go and change him, so I went inside and got a clean one and left the dirty one there. The wife fainted.
A young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship with her new husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply which was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius! The query:
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry apps, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled some of my other apps, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable apps such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate.
THE RESPONSE (that came weeks later out of the blue)
Dear Desperate,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter the command: Ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2. Also, install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that app works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 will download the Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install Boyfriend 5.0. That will crash Husband 1.0.
Husband 1.0 is a functional app, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn other new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional apps to improve memory and performance. Try Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck!! Tech Support.
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husbands' Marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, to spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”
The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary!”
Giuseppe proudly replied, “I GONNA GO PICK HER UP.”
