A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."
If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death." -- Sam Snead
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. -- George Deukmejian
Remember golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. -- Lee Trevino
It is good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. -- Mark Twain
I'm hitting the woods just great, but having a terrible time getting out of them! -- Buddy Hackett
The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. -- Billy Graham
If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. -- Tommy Bolt
Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. -- Bishop Sheen
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. -- Arnold Palmer
John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. They loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”
‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
‘She just died and left me everything.'
(You expected a different ending?)
Two guys grow-up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers with big boobs, tight shorts, and gorgeous legs." "You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again. "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Again? Why?" "They have a cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games." "OK."
At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters. "Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK."
At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy." "Good choice"
At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts." "Great choice."
At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before." "Okay, let’s give it a try.
Golf balls are like eggs - they're white, they're sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps with house or yard work will replace his divots, repair ball marks, and rake sand traps.
Did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to go to church?
It takes longer to become good at golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around in a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
A good golf partner is slightly worse than you.
The rake is always in the other trap.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.
Golf appeals to the child in all of us. This is proven by our frequent inability to count past the number 5.
It's easy to keep your ball in the fairway if you don't care which fairway.
If profanity had any influence on the flight of a ball, almost everyone would play better.
The greatest sound in golf is the "Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh" of your opponent's club as he hurls it across the fairway.
A recent survey shows that of all jobs, caddies live the longest. They get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there's ever a medical emergency, a doctor is always nearby.
It's difficult to decide which is more stressful - hitting 3 off the tee or lining up your 4th putt.
With practice and strength training you can easily get more distance off the shank.
The only sure way to get a par is to leave a 4-foot birdie putt 2 inches from the hole.
Nothing straightens out a nasty slice like a sharp dogleg to the right.
Golden Rule: Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.
No matter how badly you are playing, it's always possible to get worse.