A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar:
'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.' 'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Axe and Two 38's!'
Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates in Heaven. The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you." I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in this cedar chest."
A man goes to Heaven and meets the gatekeeper who tells him that he can choose whatever pleasures he wants. So he says he wants to golf all day and make at least one hole-in-one per game, to have breakfast for every meal, and to have a harem of the most beautiful women. He indulges himself for centuries this way until one day he returns to the gatekeeper and asks if he can change his choice of pleasures. The gatekeeper says no, but I can grant you one final wish. What’s that? the man asks. To have a normal human death with no afterlife, says the gatekeeper. Out of curiosity the man asks how many people choose this. The gatekeeper says "So far, everyone".
Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today, so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity.”
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”
"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?' The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad..'
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was black:
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Dominic Savino?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.”
"Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”
“I'll never tell.“
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
“I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go say a rosary and behave yourself.”
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What'd you get?”
“Four months’ vacation and five good leads.”
This one actually won a prize.
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
"Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Are you religious?"
He said: "Yes."
I said: "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."
I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.
I entered the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest came in. I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered./p>
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the living crap out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
In Catholic schools students are taught that lying is a sin. Instructors are also advised that a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying. This is a perfect example of this teaching.
Getting a hairdryer through customs ...
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor of you?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?'
'I would love to help you my dear; but, I must warn you, I will not lie!'
'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure no one will question you!'
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next, please!'
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.
Each Friday night after work, Heinrich would fire up his barbecue on the shore of Arthur’s Lake and cook a venison steak. All of Heinrich’s neighbours were Catholic ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on a Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over the neighbourhood, and was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Heinrich, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Heinrich attended Mass ... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Lutheran, and raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic." Heinrich’s neighbours were relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison once again filled the neighbourhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbours, and he rushed over to Heinrich’s place clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, when suddenly he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Heinrich, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You vuz born a deer, you vuz raised a deer, but now you is a rainbow trout."