An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant ...
"I'm sorry," said the maître d', as he scrutinized the group one by one, and then barred their entrance saying, "Sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai."
As with all ethnic jokes, replace Irish with your choice of target.
Murphy applied for a fork lift operator job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job."
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager, "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish man is sitting between them. The first Texan says,"My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."
They both look down at the little old Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."
Roger looks down at him and says, "300 Acres? What do you raise?"
"Nothing," says Irving.
"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.
Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the Congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: "You need to join the Army of God!"
Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."
The rabbi questioned: "Then how come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"
Moshe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."
Rabbi approaches a guest in Shul and says, "I'd like to give you an Aliyah. What is your name?"
The man answers, "Esther ben Moshe."
The Rabbi says, "No, I need YOUR name."
It's Esther ben Moshe," the man says.
"How can that be your name?" asks the Rabbi.
The man answers, "I've been having financial problems, so everything now is in my wife's name."
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long Shul service. One leaned over and whispered, "My tuchas is going to sleep. "
“I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times.
Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting-room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and emerged within half an hour walking completely erect, with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle. . . he gave me a longer cane."
The Italian says, "I'm thirsty. I must have wine."
The Frenchman says, "I'm thirsty. I must have cognac."
The Russian says, "I'm thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm thirsty. I must have beer."
The Mexican says, "I'm thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Jewish man says, "I'm thirsty. I must have diabetes."
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"
"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."
“Never heard of him," said the visitor. "What did he write?"
"A check," replied the guide.
Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lose race after race. Even though they practice and practice for hours every day, they never manage to come in any better than dead last.
Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy on Harvard, the perennial championship team. So Morris schlepps off to Cambridge MA, and hides in the bushes next to the Charles River, where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practice. After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva. "Well, I figured out their secret," he announces.
"What? Tell us! Tell us!" his teammates shout.
"We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row."
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please." "What denomination?" says the clerk.
The woman says "Oy vey ... my God, has it come to this? Okay, give me six orthodox, twelve conservative and thirty-two reform!
Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language class. He was asked to spell "cultivate," which he spelled it correctly.
He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded: "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."