I haven't checked the quotes or their attributions for accuracy. They're fun, though.
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500." -- Lynn Lavner
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." -- George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." -- Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -- Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." -- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -- Robin Williams
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." -- Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" -- Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!" -- Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time." -- Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." -- Joan Rivers
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy. -- Steve Martin
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life. -- Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." -- Oscar Wilde
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, "Hello." He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your girl friend whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.. So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you.'
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.'
She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'
Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'
'An arm and a leg.'
Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?
... the rest is history
"Hello, You have reached the Men's Help Line. My name is Don. How can I help you?"
"Hi Don, I really need your advice on a serious problem.
"I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs; the phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.
"Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So I hid in the garage behind my boat and waited for her.
"When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
"Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
Once upon a time, there was a little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money, and I'm not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have the clap?" Of course, the Madam said no.
He said, “I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!"
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed for the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with the clap, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter.
"After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the clap that I just caught.
"When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the clap.
"Then, when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
"In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the clap, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof' department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says "$101,237.65?!? What the hell did you sell him?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said, 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'No, not this time!'
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied, 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
Reportedly from Northwest Florida Daily News, via Arlene Manduca.
A couple drove to Walmart but their car broke down in the parking lot. The husband sent his wife to shop, while he fixed the car.
Returning, the wife saw people gathered around their car. Walking closer, she saw two male legs sticking out from underneath. The man was wearing shorts, but a lack of underwear made his private parts glaringly public parts.
Embarrassed, she bent down, shot her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything in place. She jumped up, sure no one had seen.
She looked across the car hood only to see her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic underneath, however, needed three stitches in his head.