From here
Chemistry jokes come to me periodically.
You can't make good chemistry jokes anymore, all the good ones Aargon
If you can't helium, and can't curium, you'll probably have to barium.
When chemists die they barium
A chemist and his friend walk into a bar. First one says "I'll take a glass of h20 please." The other guy says - that's a good idea, I'll have a glass of h20 too," .....that guy died
Tom Lehrer CHEMISTRY element song
The chemist finally graduated. He got a pHd...
Two neutrinos pass through a bar....
A neutron goes into a bar and asks "How much for a beer?" Bartender says "For you, no charge."
The bartender says, "We don't serve tachyons." A tachyon walks into a bar.
One atom says to the other "I think I have lost an electron...", whereupon the other replies "Are you positive?"
Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.
The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.
"A cat," Schrödinger replies.
The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."
Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."
A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic Church, and the priest exclaims, “Thank God! Without you we couldn’t have mass!”
What is a physicist's favorite food? Fission chips.
An engineer, philosopher, and quantum physicist were umpires on the university softball team. After a game they were chatting about their philosophy of umpiring.
Engineer: "Some pitches are balls; others are strikes. I call them as I see them."
Philosopher: "You're right that some pitches are balls and others are strikes; but I call them as they are."
Quantum physicist: "You're both right that some pitches are balls and others are strikes; but they aren't anything until I call them."
The trouble with knowledge is that biologists think they're chemists, chemists think they're theoretical physicists, theoretical physicist think they're philosophers, and philosophers think they're god.
A priest, a Higgs boson and a neutrino walk into a bar. The bartender asks “what you guys do for a living?” The Priest and the Higgs say ”I give mass.” The neutrino says “That’s not my field.”
I saw a snake that was 3.14 meters long. I think it was a πthon.
Pavlov is enjoying a drink at the local bar, when the phone rings. He jumps up and yells: "Oh shoot, I forgot to feed the dog!"
corollary to that - Do you know what sign was on the front of Pavlov's laboratory? ............... "Please knock. DO NOT RING BELL!"
Growth for growth's sake is the theology of the cancer cell. (Abbey?)
The integral of d cabin/cabin = Log cabin
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender pour two beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits."
What's the longest song in the world? Aleph-1 bottles of beer on the wall. [If they only fall one at a time, you can't have more than aleph-null fall anyway.]
What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B. Mandelbrot.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? Beer.
Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony. Eating too much pie is okay because the sin of pi is always zero.
C, E flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
A true one: A popular lecturer had come to speak on a popular topic in IT at the university of Oslo. He tested the microphone: «One zero, one zero, one zero», whereupon some attendants in the back rows burst out in hysterious laughter, for they had read The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
