Apex Summit, a real place in Nevada.
On average, an American man under 75 will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man the same age will have sex only one or two times a year...............
This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.
A chain-smoking priest who asked his superior if it was permissible to smoke while praying. He was told, "Absolutely not." A colleague said, "Next time, ask if it's permissible to pray while smoking."
A mexican magician tells his audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..." *poof" ... He disappeared without a tres. [from a Sean Silverman FB post]
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for aminute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."
From Facebook by Terence Blackburn.
Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. In the morning he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey’s died.’ Paddy replied, ‘Well just give me my money back then.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it..’ Paddy said, ‘OK then, just bring me the dead donkey’ The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’ Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead donkey!’ Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’ Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898′ The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’ Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won.. So I gave him his £2 back.’
Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apology and forgive me. It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan.
Fred, feeling angered and betrayed, put his cell phone on the coffee table, grabbed his gun, went next door and shot his neighbor Alan dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the sofa. Fred picked up his cell phone off the coffee table where he saw a second message from Alan.
Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect that you figured it out and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed wi-fi to wife. That's today's technology for you, hey?