I finally got it all together. Now I can't remember where I put it.
At age 90, John has played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs John. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect." So the next day, John heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks John.
"I can't remember."
Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"
The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."
The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."
The third old guy said, "I had 7 riders, the same as last time."
The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today."
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"
The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."
Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years. Its pont was suitable for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening, the old farmer headed to the farm with a 5-gallon bucket to pick some fruit. As he neared the pond, he overheard cheerful giggling. It was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made them aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron Frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked. Holding up his bucket, Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds Her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in My hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,
"How soon do you need to Know?"
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
By way of a former co-worker.
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr.Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr.Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aargh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back
That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr.Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the 55,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for 45,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go," she said "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb. potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you will find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of days, move up to 10-lb. bags. Then try 50-lb. bags and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I am at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally Retirees behavior that was going on. So He called His angels and Sent one to earth for a time.
When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% of retirees Are misbehaving and only 5% are not.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second Angel to get another opinion.' So God called another angel And sent her to earth for a time. When the angel returned, She went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true The earth is in decline; 95% of retirees are misbehaving, But 5% are being good...' God was not pleased ....!
So He decided to e-mail the 5% Who were good, because he wanted To encourage them, and give them A little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, Because I didn't get one either.
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence and distance.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Fred, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Fred, (and several others), 'that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing'!
Fred, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing. Later that evening, Fred quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... and left it there all night.
From Civilization Evolving Through Humor via Arlene Manduca
Walking home at night I was passing a cemetery. Three girls came up to me saying they were scared to walk past it. I said they could walk with me. We started and I commented, "I understand. I used to get freaked out when I was alive.” Never seen people run so fast. :)