- I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.
- I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
- My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.
- I, for one, like Roman numerals.
- I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
- People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.
- My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
- Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
- I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.
- The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
- My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
- My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
- I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.
- I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."
- I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
- I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.
- People say I'm condescending. That means i talk down to people.
- You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
- Whiteboards are remarkable.
- I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.