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Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade, listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on - neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.

The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days, I play golf."

By way of Paul Yin

Monogamy?

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While enroute home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited the money."

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do"?

The cabby replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Adoption

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet," the circus couple explained.

The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long the kid fits in the cannon."

How Old Am I?

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?". "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay.....How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" "I was behind you at McDonalds."

Glad You Called

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific! Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?" "Oh”, she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."

Special Package deal for Businessmen

An Airline introduced a special package for Business men. Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free. After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip. All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"

New SIM to Surprise Her Husband

A woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room. She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number: "Hello Darling."

The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.”

Cool Message by a Wife

“Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement"

Throwing Knives at Wife's Picture

A husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture. All the knives were missing the target! Suddenly, he received a call from her, "Hi, what are you doing?"

His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."

Habit of Talking in Sleep

A lady to doctor: “My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?”

Dr: “Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.”

Natural Disasters Just Happen

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife. Natural disasters just happen.

Your Husband Needs Rest

Doctor: “Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.” Wife: “Doc, when should I give them to him?” Doctor: “They are for you!”