A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath!"
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned." Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
A man suffered a heart attack while shopping in a store. The store manager called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open-heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital . A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a weak raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I have only a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."